I kinda miss me last year.

It's a kind of miss myself that i would kill myself just to me again. Although last year was a hell of a year, i cried like fuck, it's like almost every fucking day. I still miss it. Maybe i kinda fell in love with my sadness. Now, i just feel so empty. I can be laughing, i can be with my best friend talking about the silly things i've done  but i still have this emptiness, this loneliness that's aching through my bones. I don't care how many pills i've swallowed last year just to make myself to end the pain. I don't care how much tears i've cried last year due to the friends who left me. I just want to be that me i known last year. I don't care that i've got to harm myself to the extend to go to the hospital. I don't care that i am being called fake, an attention seeker in school. I don't care how much i've hated school that going to school makes me rather die. I just want to go to those times, to feel something. I remembered that i begged god to end this pain for me, that i rather wake up to nothing than sleep with tears. Now can i just take back my words? Because i want to feel.