I kinda miss me last year.

It's a kind of miss myself that i would kill myself just to me again. Although last year was a hell of a year, i cried like fuck, it's like almost every fucking day. I still miss it. Maybe i kinda fell in love with my sadness. Now, i just feel so empty. I can be laughing, i can be with my best friend talking about the silly things i've done  but i still have this emptiness, this loneliness that's aching through my bones. I don't care how many pills i've swallowed last year just to make myself to end the pain. I don't care how much tears i've cried last year due to the friends who left me. I just want to be that me i known last year. I don't care that i've got to harm myself to the extend to go to the hospital. I don't care that i am being called fake, an attention seeker in school. I don't care how much i've hated school that going to school makes me rather die. I just want to go to those times, to feel something. I remembered that i begged god to end this pain for me, that i rather wake up to nothing than sleep with tears. Now can i just take back my words? Because i want to feel.

The lies i told

1. I am over you 
2. i am happy
3. i don't love you anymore
4. i don't think about you at all
5. i love my life
6. i actually hate you  

So i told myself that i was over you, i wasn't at all. When the night falls, i think about the things you tell me. Well, although they were all lies i still want to hear it all over again. Tell me you still think about me. Tell me you still love me.  

I am not happy, not at all. How can i be happy when the one that makes me feel like i'm home had left. You make me feel so homesick. 

If i didn't love you no more i wouldn't think about the days we spent together and thinking it wasn't enough. It's like you made me fell and you didn't even pick me up.

How can i not think about you when i still have feelings for you? it's like a mixed feelings of love and hate. The love for making me so happy and the hate for making me believe in all your fucking lies. And when my phones vibrates i would be still secretly hoping it's you. The " i love you baby, goodnight " i receive at night these days wasn't from you anymore. It didn't feel the same. The feeling i get when i receive the texts wasn't how i feel like when i receive the ones from you.

Life.How can anyone actually love it? They say mistakes don't define you but to me it fucking does.

Why ain't i recognize by my good but being define by my flaws, my mistakes? People who say " Live for yourself and not for anyone else " do not know the real meaning of life. Life is only worth living on for someone you love. Well, i am considered lucky to have parents who actually love me dearly. But they don't understand the pain i'm living in. They don't know how it feels to be this empty at this young age. They think it's a passing phase in life to be heartbroken, to be filled with emptiness. No, the emptiness is going to haunt me forever. Nothing is going to change. 10 years down the road i will still be this miserable. It's still gonna be a part of me. And the problem lies with me, i'm not good enough for you not for anybody.

I hate you. This is one of the worst lies i had to convince myself to get the fuck over you. No i actually don't hate you. I hated me more than i could ever hate you. I hated me for believing everything you said. I hated myself for expecting so much. I hated myself for playing this game when i knew i'm gonna lose. 

love of my life

.

There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.

There are some things about myself that I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail, the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared, I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.