Mixed feelings......oh i really hate it

People around me will never understand why i hated to see you so much. It's not that i hate you. It's not that i don't actually love you anymore. It's just that i don't want to be reminded by memories. Whenever i hear your name I will subconsciously think about those times together. It wasn't that long that i've met you but you have affected me so much. It's like i thought you will be like those other guys that i kinda have a crush on and i move on to the next one. But this situation is so different, you're so different. You make me feel so different. 

When the day we stopped talking, i told myself " jazlyn, this is just a phase in life. People leave you hanging like that. People just leave you without any reason. Maybe it's because they don't feel anything for you anymore. Maybe i'm just boring and maybe i'm not what you wanted. Maybe it's time for you to move on. It's your new beginning."  Yea so i thought it was like how my old friends left me hanging, because they hated me, because i'm disgusting maybe i'm just not their type of person they would want to hang out/be with. 

So i tried my very best to forget you. I was so tempted to delete your number, the photos together and take those pictures out from my cockboard. But i just couldn't. I didn't have the strength to. Okay so i thought to myself that it's alright to just leave it there, maybe a reminder to myself that people leave and i had to deal with it.

 I cried like fuck whenever i hear songs that relate to us but when days went pass i stopped feeling sad anymore and i thought that i've forgotten you. I thought i could be happy without anything that got to do with you. I'm so wrong. When i saw you these days i felt a stinging pain in my heart. My heart knows i couldn't get over it. i know i miss you i know i still kinda kinda kinda  love you but i just want to avoid you so much. I just want to dig a hole anywhere just to not see you. Thinking about it hurts so much. 

I thought how can you see me without feeling anything. How could you not hurt as much as me. I don't know. Oh and the texts came again. I felt the same like how i received last time. But this time its not only the feeling of butterflies in my tummy but a little of anger. How can i not have some self control. How can i let you hurt me again. But i took a chance again. I love you so please, please don't hurt me anymore. 

what hurts the most is when you give your all to someone, you're there for them no matter what and one day they just give up and they don't even want to fight for you. They left with no hesitation, no looking back, like how the hell do you even do it?

I wish we never met and never started talking. I want nothing to do with you. I never want to talk to you again. I never want to see you again. I want you out of my life for good. I want to forget every single thing I know about you. I wish I could take back every word I ever said to you. I don’t want to know you anymore. But it's so hard to forget. How can i ever forget how you made me feel?

I am so afraid of losing someone close to me again. That particular name just make me think of all those memories that ended up into a fucking pack of lies. You don't understand how it feels to be betrayed by the one you love. Your lover, your friends who turned their backs against you. I've been through so much heartaches. The friends that promised that they will never leave you no matter what happen left me so quickly without battering their eyelids.  It's not that i don't trust you, it's that i don't trust my feelings. They come and go. Sadness, paranoia, anxiety, frustration, they make me think so much. And i really thought i was over this whole fucking situation but after this, i know i am not. I am just finding solutions to forget, but never to get over it. Tell me what to do, when i have no one to tell? I don't know but it's really not nice to crack jokes about things i got hurt before, things that i'm insecure about. Maybe it's funny to you but it's definitely not to me. I don't like to be reminded about certain things i already am. Nobody understands me, not me either

Remembering is something that i wish that never happen to me. Tonight is the night where i start thinking too much, a little too much. I don't know what's happening to me. I tend to avoid too much eye contact when someone look at me into the eyes because i feel like they are going to see through what i'm feeling. I'm so afraid that they ask if i'm okay because i'm gonna break down. I'm so afraid i can't even answer the question. I know my voice will shake when i say i'm okay because i would be lying through my teeth. All the people i'm not close to anymore, all the good things that happen turned out to be just memories. It's a awful mix feeling between loneliness and nostalgia. I'm so sorry that everything changed. I've lost every fucking thing. I don't need to be happy but at least take away the pain for me. I can't maintain this smile anymore, i'm losing myself.

I hate this whole situation. You made it sound like i still love him. You make me sound so vulnerable, you make me sound so weak. I don't love him anymore. It's not that i don't want to interfere with this whole thing but i'm just too lazy to listen. It's not that i don't want to listen to him explain and hear his side of the story but i don't know how i will react if i did so. Because i don't want to be that bad person anymore. For my whole life i had been labelled as a bad person for making the wrong judgments and all i did was regret. I don't want to be put in that stupid spot. You don't know how difficult it is to be me. You just don't know how difficult this whole shit is. I am breaking down and you don't even know it. I am just too tired to care. I just know that i don't want to make any mistakes anymore. You don't know how many mistakes i have made and you don't know how much blame i put on myself. You have no idea how it is to drown in your fucking thoughts all the time. You guys are so important to me and as for him, i miss him too.

So there's this hashtag in twitter about to my future kids and since i'm bored now i shall write a post about it.
So let's start with if my child is a son.
I will let him do whatever he wants in his childhood. But obviously, control and self discipline is needed. I wouldn't want to get a call from his teacher about him getting into a fight or anything like that. But if i really did, I will not be like parents who just start scolding or beating them for being a disappointment for fighting or beating other kids up.
I would ask " why did you do it " and explain why is it wrong for him to do it. Because kids don't understand how the " parents care " system work. You got to first understand why did they start fighting. Even if how the reasons are like " Cause that boy likes my girl or cause that boy is wearing crocs so i got to beat him up " You still got to show some support in the sense that even if the whole world is against you mommy is still here for you even though the reasons for you fighting is pretty fucked up. 


So secondly, if my child is a daughter and one day she is stung stained with insecurity begging " mom, will i be pretty? " I will wipe that question from her mouth with her lipgloss on and answer " no, the word is pretty is unworthy of everything you will be and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent,pretty amazing,fucking beautiful but you will never be merely pretty " 


I will never ever compare my kids to anybody out there. I will never use words like " you're just a burden to mommy " Words hurts. I don't care if it's words spurted out with anger or disappointment because those hurtful words may haunt them for their entire life. I don't want my kids to be anything like me cause mommy is really fucked up.
And even though i'm not a mom yet, To my future kids, I fucking love you.


    

I kinda miss me last year.

It's a kind of miss myself that i would kill myself just to me again. Although last year was a hell of a year, i cried like fuck, it's like almost every fucking day. I still miss it. Maybe i kinda fell in love with my sadness. Now, i just feel so empty. I can be laughing, i can be with my best friend talking about the silly things i've done  but i still have this emptiness, this loneliness that's aching through my bones. I don't care how many pills i've swallowed last year just to make myself to end the pain. I don't care how much tears i've cried last year due to the friends who left me. I just want to be that me i known last year. I don't care that i've got to harm myself to the extend to go to the hospital. I don't care that i am being called fake, an attention seeker in school. I don't care how much i've hated school that going to school makes me rather die. I just want to go to those times, to feel something. I remembered that i begged god to end this pain for me, that i rather wake up to nothing than sleep with tears. Now can i just take back my words? Because i want to feel.

The lies i told

1. I am over you 
2. i am happy
3. i don't love you anymore
4. i don't think about you at all
5. i love my life
6. i actually hate you  

So i told myself that i was over you, i wasn't at all. When the night falls, i think about the things you tell me. Well, although they were all lies i still want to hear it all over again. Tell me you still think about me. Tell me you still love me.  

I am not happy, not at all. How can i be happy when the one that makes me feel like i'm home had left. You make me feel so homesick. 

If i didn't love you no more i wouldn't think about the days we spent together and thinking it wasn't enough. It's like you made me fell and you didn't even pick me up.

How can i not think about you when i still have feelings for you? it's like a mixed feelings of love and hate. The love for making me so happy and the hate for making me believe in all your fucking lies. And when my phones vibrates i would be still secretly hoping it's you. The " i love you baby, goodnight " i receive at night these days wasn't from you anymore. It didn't feel the same. The feeling i get when i receive the texts wasn't how i feel like when i receive the ones from you.

Life.How can anyone actually love it? They say mistakes don't define you but to me it fucking does.

Why ain't i recognize by my good but being define by my flaws, my mistakes? People who say " Live for yourself and not for anyone else " do not know the real meaning of life. Life is only worth living on for someone you love. Well, i am considered lucky to have parents who actually love me dearly. But they don't understand the pain i'm living in. They don't know how it feels to be this empty at this young age. They think it's a passing phase in life to be heartbroken, to be filled with emptiness. No, the emptiness is going to haunt me forever. Nothing is going to change. 10 years down the road i will still be this miserable. It's still gonna be a part of me. And the problem lies with me, i'm not good enough for you not for anybody.

I hate you. This is one of the worst lies i had to convince myself to get the fuck over you. No i actually don't hate you. I hated me more than i could ever hate you. I hated me for believing everything you said. I hated myself for expecting so much. I hated myself for playing this game when i knew i'm gonna lose. 

love of my life

.

There is a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasnt because I thought I would be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone. Because what if you learn that you need love? And then you don’t have it. What if you like it? And lean on it? What if you shape your life around it? And then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is, death ends. This? It could go on forever.

There are some things about myself that I can’t explain to anyone. There are some things I don’t understand at all. I can’t tell what I think about things or what I’m after. I don’t know what my strengths are or what I’m supposed to do about them. But if I start thinking about these things in too much detail, the whole thing gets scary. And if I get scared, I can only think about myself. I become really self-centered, and without meaning to, I hurt people. So I’m not such a wonderful human being.

You don’t love me. You don’t know me. You love who you think I am. If you knew me, you wouldn’t love me. And don’t try to pretend you know me, because I don’t even know myself.

I didn’t want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare.

You don't want to get hurt, but ever think about me? I've been fucking scared of getting hurt yet i still keep fighting and trying because i know i have to get what i want. I could lose everything but i still continue to give and hoping you won't destroy me. I've given you that complete power to destroy me and been praying you won't but it's beginning to seem like i didn't pray hard enough. No rules of my past could ever apply to you. If it were anyone else i wouldn't have been so careless

Things are sweeter when they’re lost. Because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly… And when I got it it turned to dust in my hands.

i can feel that i’m falling down the path of hating myself again, and it scares me. But in a way, i like it. it feels natural and comfortable. It's like an old friend I haven’t seen in years.

tend to hide what I really think and feel because they don't really understand. Because I have believed that the worst thing in the world would be to lay myself bare and watch others turn away from the truth of my soul.

I sometimes worry more about what people thinks of me than what I am and what I want and even what I need. I need to be OK with being hated, as long as I am hated for the right reasons. If I am hated for standing up for myself, for loving madly and passionately, for my relentless pursuit of my dreams, even if I am hated by everyone in the world, I should be happy.I could be hated by someone for loving what I do, what I am, and who I love. That is the absolute worst that could happen. And that would be a triumph.

I don’t think this feeling has ever been so harsh. I feel like I can’t breathe.

I’m just a burden on everyone else. That’s all I am. That’s all I’ll ever be. All I do is annoy and ruin everyone else’s good time. Because I’m a worthless person. That’s it. I’m completely worthless. I feel like death.I want to vomit up all of this that I feel. I don’t think I can stand this anymore. I feel like my heart is constantly breaking. I feel like no one cares.

I wish I could feel worthwhile for a day.

I wish I didn’t feel so fucked up.